


What The Hell

by blankety blank (doll_revolution)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 07:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/795569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doll_revolution/pseuds/blankety%20blank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A manly little game of one-up-manship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What The Hell

## What The Hell

by Blankety

Pet Fly and Paramount own these characters, and I do not. Make of that what you wish.  


It's for Aly, who said it made her laugh. Out loud, even. ^___^

This is a re-write of a story **I** wrote in another fandom, under another name. But it just SCREAMED Jim and Blair, and really, it's much better.  
A box of pocky to whoever recognizes it! (That's a hint, BTW)

* * *

**WEDSNESDAY:**  
Blair Sandburg put his feet against the wall and pushed, sending the office chair rolling across the floor. He hung his head over the back of the chair and twirled around in a circle. Stake-outs were so boring! Well, except when they weren't, but really, he'd almost take getting shot at by the suspected drug dealers they were watching then this brain-draining, ass-numbing, soul-killing boredom. 

Almost. 

He sighed and pushed off from the opposite wall, grinning to himself. At least he had Jim Ellison, Super Cop, to amuse him. He looked over at the window, where Jim was staring resolutely out at the house across the street. 'Ha!' Blair thought maliciously, 'Like I'm not driving him crazy! That spine of his gets any stiffer, he'll snap in two!' 

He rolled across the floor again, watching as Jim's shoulders tightened up even more. 'I suppose I should stop. I don't want him to get all spasmy, or anything. Damn, I'm bored!' 

Blair slouched in his chair, and watched Jim watch the house. How many times had he been in exactly this situation, bored to his soul, watching Jim? It seemed as if it had been all his life, as if he and Jim had been together forever, an eternal and endless unit, a single JimBlair creature, rather than two separate people. 

Blair shook his head. He'd really been on this stake-out too long. Getting all philosophical and...maudlin about Jim was a sure sign of sleep deprivation. 'Still,' he thought, running his eyes over Jim's trim yet muscular body, 'it does seem kind of right, like we belong together, to each other.' 

Blair slouched lower in the chair. "Hey, Jim?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You want to have sex?" 

Jim's back stiffened even further. Slowly, he turned around until he was facing Blair, who wriggled an encouraging eyebrow. Jim narrowed his eyes. "No." 

"Aw, man, why not?" 

"I'm not gay, Sandburg." Blair rolled his eyes as Jim continued, "And neither are you. Or have you already forgotten about Molly? Or Christine? Or Sam? Or Maya? Or Cassie? Or that FBI agent? Or Aly? Or Janet the uniform? Or the-" 

Blair raised his hands. "All right, enough! I get your point! But anyway, I never said I was gay, I said I wanted to have sex with you. Big difference there." 

Jim sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. "Sandburg, we're both men. When two men have sex with each other, they're gay. It's practically the definition of the word." 

"Jim, Jim, Jim! Don't get so wrapped up in structured roles! Don't think of it in terms of labels or lifestyle changes, think of it as two men, in the full bloom of their sexuality, lusty, experimenting, testing, until their burgeoning libidos have come to terms with the whole male-male paradigm." 

Jim stared at Blair for a long, long moment, his expression stony. "That's it, Chief. I don't care what kind of crap you feed me about 'cultural community' and 'commonality of shared experiences', you are no longer allowed to watch Jerry Springer." He turned to the window, and just as quickly turned back. "And I am not having sex with you as some kind of experiment, so just get that idea right out of your head!" 

Blair's grin widened. "That's because you want it to be special and meaningful, right, big guy? Cool! I can do that! The first time we make lo-- OOOF!" He fell off the chair as a pillow hit him full in the face. 

Jim smothered a laugh as he turned back to the window. "Go buy some porn or something. I'm busy." 

Blair flipped him off, and went over to the cot in the corner of the room. He took off his shoes, and curled up on the mattress, pulling a blanket over him. Just before he fell asleep he muttered softly, "Okay, so I'm not gay. But maybe I'm bi, ever think of that?" 

Jim just shook his head and laughed, and continued his surveillance. 

* * *

**NEXT WEDSNESDAY:**  
Blair ran full-tilt down the dark hallway and skidded around the corner, continually whispering "jimjimjimjimjim" as he ran. The two men were gaining on him, and they were big and they had guns and he really did not want to get better acquainted. He ran around another corner, and stifled a yelp as a strong hand gripped his arm and pulled him into a storage closet. He opened his mouth to yell, but let his breath out in a relieved sigh instead as Jim whispered, "It's just me, Chief." 

Blair sagged against the wall. "Dammit, Jim, where the hell did you go? I turned around and you were gone and then those guys-" He stopped talking as Jim clamped a hand over his mouth, and tilted his head towards the door. Blair and Jim held their breaths as the sound of running feet came closer and closer...and ran past. They grinned at each other. 

After another minute of careful listening, Jim removed his hand. "You okay, Chief?" 

Blair snorted. "Yeah, once I recover from the heart attack you gave me!" 

"Yeah, yeah. You know, we really need to get out of here. The building's scheduled for demolition in," Jim paused to look at his watch, 'four minutes, 20 seconds." 

"What about those guys? They still have the money, don't they?" 

"Chief, that's not my top priority at the moment, okay? Getting out of here in one piece is. Besides," Jim closed his eyes and extended his hearing throughout the building, "I think they were just trying to give us the slip. I can hear them, they're already on the first floor, and heading towards the loading do-" 

"Maybe we should just kiss." 

Jim's eyes snapped open. "What?" 

Blair shrugged. "Well, last week you seemed a little freaked by the whole sex thing, so I figured we could kiss first. You know, kind of ease our way into it." 

Jim stared at Blair as if he'd suddenly grown another head. "Do you really think this is the time for this conversation? Considering the situation? You know: guns, criminals, building demolition? Any of this ring a bell with you, Sandburg?" 

"All I'm saying is: kiss first, sex later. I really think that's the way to go." 

Jim's grip on his temper snapped. "Fine! You want to kiss, let's kiss!" He grabbed Blair's shirt and hauled him over. Jim tilted his head and dived in. Their noses smashed, their teeth clicked, lips barely touched, and tongues missed altogether. 

After a few moments, Jim shoved Blair away. "There! We kissed! Happy?" 

Blair slowly wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. "That fucking sucked, Ellison." 

Oddly disappointed, Jim opened the door. "Well, go have sex with Rafe, then! Come on! Let's get out of here!" He took off running. Behind him he could hear Blair mutter, "Rafe! HA! Like he has your ass!" 

Jim grinned and kept running. 

* * *

**NEXT TUESDAY NIGHT:**  
Jim woke up suddenly, hearing someone quietly climbing the stairs to his room. He listened and caught the familiar heartbeat. Blair. What the hell was he doing? Blair, of all people, should know he couldn't sneak up on Jim. 

He closed his eyes and relaxed. 'Well, I did tell him I had become accustomed to his sounds and scent,' Jim thought. 'Maybe he thinks I'm so used to him, he can sneak up on me.' He pretended to be asleep, waiting to see what Blair would do. 

His eyes snapped open as Blair straddled his waist and sat down heavily on his stomach. Blair poked him in the chest. "Oh, stop pretending, Jim, I know you're awake. Like I could sneak up on a Sentinel." He tilted his head and grinned. "We need to work on your acting skills, though. That fake snore? That was just sad, man, truly sad." 

"What do you want, Sandburg?" 

"What I've always wanted: you, naked and willing in my bed. But I guess this will have to do." Blair placed gentle hands on Jim's cheeks and leaned in. Jim was so surprised he didn't think to turn his head. Then Blair's lips met his, and he didn't want to. 

Blair's thumbs were slowly tracing his jawline, and Jim thought it was perfect. Gentle yet strong, just like Blair. Lips touched and retreated, a sudden heat bloomed in Jim's chest and slowly rolled through his body. He gasped, tongues met, and the heat blazed into a raging inferno. 

His arms came up and dragged Blair down. Tongues touched and dueled, twisting, sliding, retreating, advancing. Desire scorched white-hot through their bodies, pooling in a pointed, sullen pulse in their groins. Aching erections ground against each other, sending an electric spark arcing through them. They pulled their mouths apart and stared at each other, gasping and desperate and needy and wild-eyed. 

Finally, Blair smiled, a wicked, wide grin. "Now, that, Jim, THAT was a kiss!" He thrust his hips into Jim's for emphasis. 

"Um, yeah." Jim coughed, embarrassed at how rough and...needy his voice sounded. "A damn fine one, actually." 

"Well, goodnight then!" And before Jim could even open his mouth, Blair was gone. Jim blinked. 'Well, fuck.' He blinked again. 'I think I really hate him.' 

He didn't get any sleep for the rest of the night. 

* * *

**THE TUESDAY AFTER THAT:**  
Blair moved along with the music from the radio as he chopped up vegetables for the stir-fry he was making. He dug under the sink for a colander, humming happily. 'I'm pretty sure we still have fresh ginger,' he thought, putting together different sauces in his mind. 'Now, sesame oil, fish sauce, coconut milk? No, too fusion. Maybe some wasa-' 

A hand grabbed Blair's shoulder and threw him roughly against the pillar. Blair had a firm grip on his knife before he realized the person holding him was Jim. Blair was furious. "Jim! What the hell is your problem! I could have stabbed you or poked you or something!" 

Jim didn't speak. Instead, he stared at Blair with an odd, almost feral gleam in his eyes. Without really knowing why, Blair could feel his mouth dry and his breathing quicken. He let the knife clatter to the floor, licked his lips, and watched, amazed, as the gleam in Jim's eyes darkened. 

Shakily, Blair asked, "What do you want, Jim?' 

"It's just the same as what you've always wanted: you, naked and willing in my bed. But I guess this will have to do." Pinning Blair's wrists to the pillar, Jim moved in for a kiss that was anything but gentle. Blair's eyes opened wide as pure desire burned through his system. He stretched his neck to meet Jim's kiss head-on. Their tongues met and rolled against each other, twisting and tasting. 

Jim used his full weight to keep Blair pressed against the pillar. His mouth never left Blair's as he thrust his hips into Blair's, over and over and over. Jim pulled his head back, drew in a deep, gasping breath, and moved in to attack the smooth skin below Blair's jaw. 

Blair moaned as he felt teeth and tongue scrape against his throat. He arched his neck to allow greater access, and Jim took it. He growled and bit down hard, marking Blair. The he moved his head to recapture Blair's mouth in a bruising kiss. 

Blair opened his mouth and tried to swallow Jim whole. He moaned deep in his throat and pressed closer, rubbing his erection against Jim's almost frantically. Jim was just as wild, thrusting against Blair, seeking, wanting, burning for the delicious friction of flesh against flesh. The feel of their clothes, the wild heat of Blair's mouth, his musky scent, the sweet moans and cries, all pushed Jim closer and closer to the edge. 

"Oh God Jim God Jim God JIM!" Blair screamed and arched his back, ecstasy flowing over him like a wave as he released himself against Jim. The bitter smell, Blair's face, the feel of him, hot and wet and sated, overwhelmed Jim, and he too came in a blaze of desire that left him breathless and weak-kneed. 

Jim pulled away from Blair, releasing his wrists. He noticed with possessive satisfaction that he had left bruises. Without Jim's support, Blair slowly slid down the pillar until he was sprawled on the floor, looking up at Jim through passion-drenched eyes. 

"What the hell was that, Jim?" he asked, his voice rough and low. 

Jim smiled, and the smile had a slightly evil look to it. "Just a goodnight kiss, Blair, nothing more." He leaned over, patted Blair on the head, and was gone, the loft door closing behind him before Blair could form a coherent response. 

Blair sighed. 'I have trained you too well, Grasshopper.' Then he smiled, and his smile definitely had an evil look to it. 'But payback's a bitch, Ellison, and don't you forget it!' 

He walked over to his room, holding the wet spot away from himself and making plans. 

* * *

**ANOTHER, DIFFERENT, MONDAY:**  
Jim didn't even look up from the TV as Blair entered the loft, carrying a backpack. Blair dropped the pack by the couch, and went into the kitchen. "Hey, Jim. You want a beer?" 

"Sure." 

Blair got two beers from the refrigerator, and went back to the couch. After giving a beer to Jim, he sat down next to him, and squinted his eyes at the TV. "Mariners? Eww." 

Jim shrugged. Bad sports were better than no sports. Blair leaned over the back of the couch, stretching. "Jim, you ever think H gets lonely? I mean, you've got me, Rafe's got Conner, and there he is, all alone, the lonely grizzly bear." 

Jim snorted. "'The lonely grizzly bear'? You make him sound like a Discovery Channel special. And anyway, Rafe doesn't 'have' Conner, and you don't 'have' me." 

It was Blair's turn to snort. "Ellison, for a detective, you are so clueless! Conner and Rafe are all over each other! They're practically doing it in the break room! And besides: I'm going to have you." 

Shying away from the somewhat frightening image of Rafe and Conner, Jim turned off the TV and looked incredulously at Blair. "You're that confident, are you?" 

"Please! You gave the game away right over there by that pillar. It's not a question of IF; it's a question of when, and how many times you'll scream my name." 

As Jim stared, unable to come up with a reply, Blair reached over and passed his backpack to Jim. "Here, baby, I got you some presents." 

"Don't call me baby!" Jim opened the pack and dumped the contents on the floor. "Books? You got me books?" 

"Well, pooky, I know you fear change and the unknown. So I thought I'd get you some reference materials, so you'd know where you're going." 

Jim looked through the books with undisguised horror. "Oh my God! Where did you get these? 'The Gay Karma Sutra'? 'The Illustrated Manual of Great Gay Sex'? 'The Gay Man's Guide to Getting Some'? 'The Wonderful World of Lube'? 'Condom, Lubrication, and Anus: The Holy Triumvirate'? You got me FIVE books on gay sex?" He blinked. "And don't call me pooky!" 

"Calm yourself, snookums! I only got you three books. The other two are pamphlets." 

"I don't care if they're commendations hand-written by the Mayor! Where did you GET them? And don't call me snookums!" 

"Conner." 

Jim whirled around, throwing himself between the books and the door. Behind him, he could hear Blair snickering and rolling around on the couch. "No, you big dork! Conner's not here, I got the books from her!" 

Jim's look of horror increased. "Conner? You got these books from Conner?" 

"Yup." 

"But she'll think we're gay!" 

Blair's snickering turned into outright laughter. "Jim, she already thinks we're gay! The whole station thinks we're gay! And anyway: we're two men who are going to have sex with each other. That's practically the definition of the word. Isn't that what you told me?" 

Jim glared. "Who says I'm going to have sex with you?" 

"I do! And you do, too, if the way you've been dog-earing those pages is any indication. Saw something you liked, did you?" 

Jim dropped the book as if it burned him. He flushed slowly as Blair continued to laugh. He lowered his eyes to the floor, and suddenly noticed the other item that had fallen from the backpack. His eyes widened. 

"Blair? I don't know what your plans for the evening are, but I'm telling you right now that I'm not going to be up for anything that involves 48-ounces of raspberry-flavored lube." 

Blair laughed so hard he fell off the couch. "Don't worry, honeypot, I'm not that ambitious. It was just on sale." 

Jim crossed his arms and glared at Blair. "And you know what else? I'm definitely not having sex with you if you keep calling me stupid names!" 

Blair stopped laughing and stood up. He walked towards Jim, who began backing away from the predatory intent in Blair's eyes. "And I'm telling you, Jim: you're going to have sex with me whenever I tell you to, how many times I tell you to, and no matter what I call you!" 

He grabbed Jim and tumbled him down to the floor. "Today, little boy, today you become a man!" Any reply Jim thought of making was pushed aside by Blair's tongue in his mouth. After that, Jim did very little thinking at all. 

They didn't use the entire 48 ounces, but they certainly tried. 

* * *

**THE VERY NEXT MORNING:**  
Simon Banks yawned and clutched his coat closer to him. He really hated dead bodies first thing in the morning, especially when he hadn't had his first cup of coffee. He stood next to Jim, leaning against his car and watching as the divers pulled the stiff from the marina. 

Simon looked over at Blair, who was walking over to the car with three cups of coffee, and grinning somewhat maniacally. He looked at Jim, who was standing very stiffly, and carefully NOT looking at Blair. 

Simon sighed, thinking, 'There's something really odd with these two this morning.' He took a cup of coffee from Blair, and then, looking for a reaction, he turned to Jim and said, "Well, who the hell stuck a stick up your ass, Ellison?" 

He wasn't expecting Jim to give him a huge, satisfied grin and say, "I believe that would be Blair. Several times, actually." 

Simon certainly wasn't expecting Blair to laugh so hard he spewed coffee out of his nose. Simon sighed and began wiping off his coat. He winced as Jim and Blair started laughing, and making up filthy, off-color stick jokes. 

Simon sighed again. 'God damn, but I hate mornings.' 

* * *

End What The Hell by Blankety: blankstreet@hotmail.com

Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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